The Mummy
by Halcyon Seraphim
Summary: This is a parody of The Mummy, performed by the Yu-Gi-Oh cast. SCENE ONE IS FINALLY UP!
1. Role Call

"The Mummy"- Chapter 1: Role Call  
  
JK: Hi people!  
  
Seto: Oh no.  
  
JK: Oh, shut up. I'm not THAT obsessed with torturing you.  
  
Seto: I'm sure.  
  
Malik: After the New Year's Party, I would rather not know what's in store for us today.  
  
JK: But Seto won't be tormented in this fanfic.  
  
Yami: How reassuring.  
  
JK: And you have the best role of all.  
  
Yami (brightly): Okay!  
  
JK: Okay. Here's the script to what happens to be my favorite movie. Read it and then I'll tell you what your roles are. And you don't get a choice in the matter.  
  
Yami: Just out of curiosity...are you Pegasus's daughter?  
  
JK: No, what kind of question is that?  
  
Yami: Well...you sounded like him.  
  
JK: Just shut up before I give your role to Seto. (hands out scripts)  
  
(They read the script and scream.)  
  
JK: Calm yourselves, I haven't even told you what role you'll essay. I suggest that some of you should save your screams.  
  
Seto: By some you mean me.  
  
JK: No, actually. And here's my fellow author to help keep everyone under control.  
  
Dark Shadows: Hiya!  
  
JK: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, the Pharoah will be played by...Joey!  
  
Joey: Yay! In your face Yami! I'm bad, you know it. I'm bad, I'll-  
  
Yami: Don't you remember, Joey? The Pharaoh is murdered by his mistress and his High Priest.  
  
Joey: Dang.  
  
Mai: I better not be that Mistress!  
  
JK: The Pharaoh's mistress, Anck-su-namun, will be played by Mai.  
  
Mai: Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!  
  
Dark Shadows: You get to kill Joey.  
  
Mai (brightly): Okay, never mind. I don't have to kiss Joey or anything, right?  
  
JK: You have to kiss whoever plays Imhotep.  
  
Mai: Oh.  
  
JK: Isis will play Evy.  
  
Isis: Well, that's not too bad. Just as long as a moron doesn't play O'Conell.  
  
Seto: Please let me play him. Please let me play him.  
  
JK: Imhotep will be played by the only Priest in our presence, Seto Kaiba!  
  
Seto: Oh, crap. Wait, what the-I have to kiss Mai?!  
  
Joey: HE gets to kiss Mai?! Damn you, Kaiba!  
  
Seto: I'm just surprised you're not playing the Pharaoh's lapdog.  
  
Joey: Yeah-hey!  
  
JK: Well, you do get to kiss Isis, and then she kisses you. Is that enough to shut you up?  
  
Seto: True, but I'm ugly when I do!  
  
Isis: WAIT! Don't I get a say in this?  
  
Seto: It's in the script.  
  
Isis: First Malik was born, and now this.  
  
JK: Rick O'Conell will be played by Yami.  
  
Yami: Thank you, Ra!  
  
Isis: My life is over.  
  
Seto: My life is over. (both cry)  
  
Dark Shadows: Why can't I be Evy?  
  
JK: Because you get to be in the audience for free.  
  
Dark Shadows: Lucky me.  
  
JK: I thought you like Malik now.  
  
Dark Shadows: I don't know whom I like.  
  
JK: Now, Yami Bakura will play Ardeth-Bay, leader of the Medjai.  
  
Yami Bakura: Well at least I spend half the time trying to kill Yami and the others.  
  
Dark Shadows: But then you make an alliance with him.  
  
Yami Bakura: Well whoever plays Jonathan will be there to prevent me from killing him. But I'm not saying that's a good thing.  
  
Malik: It's not.  
  
Yami: Ha ha.  
  
JK: Enough already! Beni will be played by Weevil.  
  
Weevil (sarcastically): Woo hoo! I get to be eaten by my own bugs. What joy!  
  
Dark Shadows: You know, maybe you should've given him a role with fewer lines. I don't think I'll be able to stand hearing his voice.  
  
JK: Don't you want to see Weevil get eaten by scarabs?  
  
Dark Shadows: Eh, fine. I'll cope with the voice.  
  
Seto: What are YOU complaining about?! I'm the one who has to be around him more than anyone else!  
  
JK: You get to stab Joey...  
  
Seto: Ah, yes. Every cloud has a silver lining.  
  
Isis: Get any cornier, why don't you?  
  
(Seto glares at Isis.)  
  
JK: Yeah, whatever. Jonathan will be played by Malik.  
  
Isis: Oh Ra! I can't get out of being related to him in a play!  
  
Malik: How come I get a goody role? He doesn't even get to shoot from a gun!  
  
JK: Yes he does. And he drinks liquor.  
  
Malik: Oh.  
  
JK: Yugi will play the warden.  
  
Yugi: But...I die!  
  
JK: Nearly everyone dies.  
  
Dark Shadows: And no one really gives about the warden.  
  
JK: Mr. Burns, the guy who gets his eyes and his tongue ripped out of him, will be played by none other than the only eyeless person in our midst, Pegasus!  
  
Seto: Yeah, and this time I get to do the ripping.  
  
Yami Bakura: Are you going to drink the blood?  
  
Seto: Hell no!  
  
Yami Bakura: Well...can I have it?  
  
Seto: Whatever.  
  
Dark Shadows: That was my brilliant idea.  
  
JK: Yeah, even I'll admit that choosing Peggy for that role was a great idea. Now, the blond American whose name I have to find out will be played by Bandit Keith. Yes, what a surprise.  
  
Joey: And Kaiba gets to kill him? My role sucks!  
  
Seto: Well, no $@%&, Sherlock.  
  
JK: Seto...  
  
Seto: Sorry but this is Joey we're talking about.  
  
JK: Well, I do make your life a complete hell in my other fanfic, so I'll be unusually kind and let that slip.  
  
Seto: Thank you.  
  
JK: Just don't get used to it. The Egyptologist will be played by Rebecca's grandpa, Arthur Hopkins.  
  
Rebecca's Grandpa: I insult women; that's not like me. Oh well.  
  
Rebecca: Teddy, Grandpa's being mean! He insulted me!  
  
Mai: Rebecca, hon, you're not a woman. At least not yet. Haven't you noticed that Joey's not flirting with you?  
  
Rebecca: Yugi asked me out once.  
  
Yugi: I told you never to mention that as long as you live!  
  
Yami: Aibou, I didn't know that you were THAT deperate. Why didn't you tell me? I could have found you a nice little girlfriend. And I mean the little part literally. Wait. First I need to find me a girlfriend...  
  
Seto: Don't hold your breath or else you might actually die.  
  
Yugi: Oh, she was the only one who was my height!  
  
JK: Yeah, well, settle your juvenile, messed up love life later. Yeah, well, the last person Seto will have to suck dry to become whole again will be Tristan.  
  
Tristan: Wow, I get a great role.  
  
Dark Shadows: That cone's gotta go.  
  
Tristan: NOT THE HAIR! NO ONE TOUCHES THE HAIR AND LIVES TO TELL THE WOESOME TALE!  
  
(Joey sneaks up behind Tristan and plucks a strand of hair. Tristan, attention span too small, doesn't notice.)  
  
JK: Dark Shadows, you're right. Well, Yugi's grandpa will play the person Evy works for at the beginning. (no one says anything) Well, Tea will be the hangman and a bunch of other useless roles that I might need someone to occupy.  
  
Tea: But the hangman is a MAN.  
  
JK: And your point is?  
  
Tea: Well, I'm not.  
  
JK: No, you're a man in denial.  
  
Tea: No I'm not!  
  
JK: Yes you are!  
  
Tea: NO I'M NOT!  
  
JK: This could go on for hours, you know.  
  
Dark Shadows: Yeah, shut up, hag!  
  
JK: Okay...Mr. Band-  
  
Tea: But I'm a girl!  
  
JK: Okay, would you all rather have it that I made Tea Anck-su-namun?  
  
All: NO!  
  
Seto: Hell no! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!  
  
JK: Okay, I get the point. Mr. Banders, the person who owns the aircraft, will be played by Joey.  
  
Joey (looking at script): Aren't I lucky? I get to die twice!  
  
JK: I think that's it. And you should be happy I gave you two roles. Oh yeah, the following people will play Imhotep's priests before and after they're mummified: Yugi, Mokuba, Rex, Croquet, and Ryou.  
  
Seto: Croquet ain't working for me. Big no-no. Neither is Mokuba. My brother is not getting mummified alive.  
  
Mokuba: Come on, Seto! That's my only role!  
  
Seto: NO, Mokuba.  
  
Isis: Come on, Seto. Mokuba never has any fun. For goodness' sake, you make the kid eat health food!  
  
JK: Getting in touch with your role, I see. Evy says that a lot. (For goodness' sake.)  
  
Dark Shadows: Seto's already in touch with his role. He has been ever since he pushed Guzo out the window.  
  
Seto: CAN YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT MY STUPID DAMN STEP-FATHER?!  
  
JK: Yup, definitely in touch with his role.  
  
Mokuba: Seto, Isis makes a better mommy than you do.  
  
Seto: Well, there are reasons for that. One: she's a female. Two, she's twenty and I'm fifteen. And three, I'm your brother, not your mother.  
  
Mokuba: REALLY?!  
  
Malik: Did someone just say Isis makes a good parent?  
  
Mokuba: I did.  
  
Malik: So, Isis, I didn't know you resorted to drugging people in an attempt to get compliments.  
  
(Isis throws a random book at Malik's head.)  
  
Isis: Malik, you know very well I don't have to resort to that.  
  
Malik: Yes, unfortunately, I do. (rubs head fervently)  
  
Isis: You better hope that wasn't sarcasm or else I'll make you sleep outside tonight...again.  
  
Malik: You threaten me with that all the time! Seriously, come up with a new "punishment."  
  
Isis: Then I guess you wouldn't mind.  
  
Malik: Oh, fine. I noticed someone staring at me when I was there last time. I don't want to go back.  
  
Isis: Yeah, Malik, all the fangirls want your bench.  
  
(Dark Shadows stares at her.)  
  
Isis: That's not what I meant! I meant that they would auction it off on ebay or something!  
  
JK: Dark Shadows, you're really not helping by being your annoying little perverted self. Like I was going to say before I was so rudely interrupted by someone's stupidity, the Medjai (Pharaoh's bodyguards) before and after they're mummified will be played by the following people: Mako, Para, Dox, Rebecca, and Rishid.  
  
Seto: You're making Rebecca play a Medjai? You're insane.  
  
Rebecca: What's that supposed to mean? You don't think I'm a match for them?  
  
Seto: Hmm, let's see. You're two feet tall.  
  
Rebecca: No I'm not!  
  
JK: Yeah, well, she's such a small target that the other person will probably miss.  
  
Rebecca: Yeah, in your face Kaiba! Don't insult the best duelist in America like that!  
  
Seto: That's the world champion you're talking to.  
  
Rebecca: Oh yeah, rich boy? Well, I challenge you to a duel!  
  
Seto: So it is true what they say about you. You are insane!  
  
Rebecca: Excuse me?  
  
Seto: You wouldn't last a minute in a duel against me!  
  
JK: NOT NOW! Settle this on your own time. Those are everyone's roles. You will all go home and memorize your lines. Got it?  
  
(They nod vigorously.)  
  
If anyone wants to be in the audience, please tell me so. The only payment I require is a review! (And also, if you want to, tell me a bit about the personality you have. I don't want to make anyone seem like an idiot by accident.)  
  
Also, thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read the prologue. And even if you don't want to be in the audience, review anyway! Thanks!  
  
Note: I won't be updating this in a while because I'm busy working on my other fanfic and I also have a LOT of work to be doing for school. And even so, I will only continue if I have at least six people in the audience. 


	2. Scene One

"The Mummy"- Scene One  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or The Mummy. So don't sue!  
  
JK: I've finally decided to continue!  
  
Seto (brightly): Is this by any chance a fic where Yami dies?  
  
JK: No... (points to title)  
  
Seto: Wait...(remembers what this is) No! Not this fic!  
  
JK: I hate being greeted by such unenthusiastic characters. I'll have to make everyone suffer three-fold then.  
  
Yami: Kaiba's just weird! See, I'm enthusiastic! (jumps up and down)  
  
Evil Authoress: Or just stupid and in need of rabies vaccinations.  
  
JK: Yami! I told you to keep away from Tea!  
  
Yami: Can we just...begin? I want to get to the kissing scene!  
  
Isis: I don't want to get to the kissing scene! JK, take your time!  
  
JK: Yeah, yeah. First I have to introduce everyone and hand out the popcorn. I am the director, Evil Authoress here (formerly Dark Shadows) is the stage manager, and Jenrya Lee is in charge of costumes and props.  
  
Evil Authoress: That means that backstage, everyone listens to me!  
  
Jenrya: ...  
  
Seto: I listen to no one but myself, you miserable, poor excuse for a girl.  
  
Evil Authoress: Shut up you miserable, RICH excuse for a girl!  
  
Malik: Whoa...Kaiba's a girl? (takes out tape recorder) Could you say that again? I want Isis to hear it.  
  
Isis: I heard her, Malik!  
  
Malik (looking downhearted): Dang.  
  
JK: Before you all get carried away, let me introduce the audience members! The person who gets the first seat is Lynx wings.  
  
Lynx wings: Hi everyone! And hello to Joey, Yami, and Weevil!  
  
Joey: Yeah! My name was said separately 'cause I'm loved!  
  
Lynx wings: No...I just said yours, Yami's, and Weevil's names separately because you count as no one, so I couldn't include you when saying everyone.  
  
Joey: That's right! Wait a minute---HEY!  
  
Seto: Wheeler the Chihuahua---forever slow on the uptake.  
  
JK: The next person is Serenia.  
  
Joey: That's it Kaiba! I'm sick of takin' crap from you! So take out your cards an' let's get it on!  
  
Evil Authoress: Not in front of us!  
  
Seto: See...he IS slow on the uptake. He replied thirty seconds after I insulted him. Pathetic soul.  
  
Serenia: Hey, what do you mean, "not in front of us"? (Sorry if I make you seem kind of naïve if you're not, it's just I needed someone to say that and you said I could make up your personality.)  
  
Evil Authoress: Ask Joey. His sick mind came up with it.  
  
JK: I'm sure that when Joey said "Let's get it on" he didn't mean it like THAT.  
  
Evil Authoress: You can never be too sure.  
  
Joey: I AM NOT GAY!  
  
Malik: (puts away tape recorder sadly) Damn...everyone is ruining my fun today!  
  
Evil Authoress: Shut up. (glomps him)  
  
JK: Next on our list of audience people is Hikari-Melanie.  
  
Hikari-Melanie: Hi Kaiba!  
  
Seto: Er...  
  
JK: Seto, the audience loves you. All the more reason to enjoy this fic.  
  
Seto: NEVER!  
  
JK: Kaiba-boy seems to have found my stash of sugar cubes.  
  
Seto: Hmm...I like sugar but I---wait. You have a stash of sugar cubes?!  
  
JK: Well... (watches as Seto runs off to find secret sugar cube stash) KAIBA YOU STEAL MY SUGAR AND YOU WILL PAY!  
  
(Seto laughs evilly.)  
  
JK: Damn...there goes my inspiration.  
  
Evil Authoress: Screw him. Go on with the audience members.  
  
JK: But...my sugar!  
  
Jenrya: Here. (hands me sugar bag) Being in charge of props has its perks.  
  
JK: I see. (takes bag quickly and sits on it) I'm pretty sure Seto's not that desperate...  
  
Mokuba: You'll have to excuse my brother. He's been stressed out lately.  
  
Llybian Minamino: Mokuba! (glomps him)  
  
JK: Our fourth audience member has arrived.  
  
Llybian: Hi.  
  
Malik (choking): Stressed out...doing...what...oh GET HER OFF ME!  
  
JK: Evil Authoress, get off Malik. We can't afford to have him die. Otherwise I'll end up with having to cast Tristan as Jonathan.  
  
Isis: LET HIM DIE! ANYONE IS BETTER THAN MALIK FOR A BROTHER!  
  
Evil Authoress: Fine. (lets go of Malik)  
  
Isis: Damn it.  
  
Jenrya: Hey Mokuba, what exactly WAS Kaiba doing that got him so stressed out?  
  
Evil Authoress (muttering): Who, you mean.  
  
Malik: My sister.  
  
JK (smacking forehead): Shut up, the both of you. Since we're getting carried away, these are the next few people- Hotaruchan27, Todokanunegai, Angel K.D, Yami and Setos Gal---  
  
Yami: Whoa whoa whoa. I have a fangirl?!  
  
JK: It appears so.  
  
Yami: YAY!  
  
Yami and Setos Gal: I like Seto too, you know. Hence the name.  
  
Yami: SO? I HAVE AT LEAST ONE FANGIRL OUT THERE! THANK YOU RA!  
  
JK: Yeah. By the way, since you requested popcorn, here you go. (hands tub of popcorn to Hotaruchan27)  
  
Hotaruchan27: Thank you! (munches on popcorn)  
  
JK: Next we have Kittycatz.  
  
(Kittycatz goes and sits next to Yami Bakura.)  
  
Kittycatz: Hey Yami B.!  
  
Yami Bakura: Er...hi. (takes bite out of raw meat) Can you leave?  
  
Kittycatz: $@#^ you! (goes over to Yami) Hey Yami!  
  
Yami: Pinch me I MUST be dreaming.  
  
(Seto, who has somehow snuck back in without anyone noticing, pinches Yami.)  
  
Yami: OW!  
  
Seto: You DID ask.  
  
JK: Anyway, next we have Yami angel, Cygna-hime, Penny: Angel of Darkest Dreams---  
  
Penny: RYOU! (glomps Bakura)  
  
Bakura: Um...might I request that you glomp a little LESS hard?  
  
Penny: No. (glomps harder)  
  
Bakura: Suffocating...(makes gagging sounds)  
  
JK: Okay then! We also have Vanilla, Saurons Twin Sister, and Isis Hotep in the audience!  
  
Isis Hotep: Can you make Duke a Medjai?  
  
JK: Sure. (takes out casting chart) Well...yeah, but I have to get rid of either Para or Dox. You choose.  
  
Isis Hotep: Dox. Leave Para.  
  
JK: Okay then. Now that everyone has been introduced, refreshments are on that table. (indicates corner)  
  
Jenrya: JK, there's no table there.  
  
JK: Oh. Well, since you're in charge of props, you go get a table. And now we need refreshments...who here is rich?  
  
Seto: Don't ask me. I'm broke, remember? Thank you oh great ruiner of Seto Kaiba's life!  
  
JK: Is "ruiner" even a word?  
  
Joey: JK, Kaiba definitely got into your sugar stash.  
  
Seto: Did not! I couldn't find the damn thing.  
  
JK: So, you're poor and slow. Anyway, who here possesses strong magic and can create food?  
  
(Cricket sounds can be heard.)  
  
Joey: Wait, there ain't no food?  
  
JK: Damn...you ARE slow on the uptake.  
  
Joey: Shaddap. (leaves and returns with backpack) This backpack has an unlimited amount of storage space, so I keep my food here.  
  
Mai: You know what storage space is?  
  
Joey: Yeah, actually, I do!  
  
JK: Great. Put some food on the table and the audience members can take whatever they like. Everyone else, follow me backstage so we can begin.  
  
~Backstage~  
  
JK: Okay, is everyone prepared?  
  
Evil Authoress (evilly): No, Mai isn't in her costume yet.  
  
JK: Mai? (sees she's standing wearing MORE clothes than usual, much to her amazement) Why the hell aren't you in your outfit?!  
  
Mai: You honestly expect me to wear THAT in front of Joey?  
  
Joey: I don't even get to touch you!  
  
Mai: It's bad enough you get to see me, hon.  
  
JK: Mai...I don't really care whether or not you want to be dressed like that. I have my ways of making you obey, so you'd be better off doing it on your own. Frankly, I don't get why it's a problem for you.  
  
Mai: Hey! Just because I like to show some skin doesn't make me...well...dishonorable!  
  
Seto (scoffing): Yeah, just SOME skin.  
  
Joey: Hey! Quit pickin' on her. Anyone can dress in any way dey want! It ain't your business!  
  
Evil Authoress: Well, of course YOU don't mind. In fact, you enjoy it.  
  
Mai: All the more reason why I'm not going 4/5 naked in front of him.  
  
JK: I was hoping not to have to do this... (snaps fingers and Mai's credit cards appear in her hand) I'll try not to enjoy this TOO much. (takes out scissors and starts cutting up one)  
  
Mai: STOP!  
  
JK: Why should I listen to you? You obviously don't care about what I have to say. (snips second credit card)  
  
Mai: OKAY! I GIVE IN! JUST DON'T DO IT ANYMORE!  
  
JK (smiling): Glad you're being so reasonable, Mai. (gives her the credit cards and the outfit) Enjoy.  
  
(Mai sulks but goes off to change.)  
  
JK: Okay, let's begin. Yami Bakura, you're narrating since you're Ardeth- Bay.  
  
(Yami Bakura looks up from his dinner, which he was viciously stabbing with a dagger.)  
  
Yami Bakura: Huh?  
  
JK: Narrate, stupid!  
  
Yami Bakura: Oh yeah.  
  
(Curtain opens on Joey in a chariot being pulled across the room by Tea in a horse outfit.)  
  
Yami Bakura (in the background): Okay, people. Welcome to Thebes, City of the Living, and definitely not one of my favorite places. I mean, living people don't let you suck their blood! Where's the fun in a city like that? Anyway, it is in this city that the Pharaoh, Joey I, resides along with his mistress, high priest, and daughter, whom we don't find out about until the second movie but that's not the point.  
  
(Joey gets off his chariot. Seto comes out and kneels at Joey's feet.)  
  
Seto (muttering): Oh I can't wait till I kill him...  
  
Joey: Priest, you must now lick my feet clean because I was out for a morning ride and my horse couldn't wait till we got home to crap and I stepped in it.  
  
Tea (muffled by horse head): Hey!  
  
JK (backstage): That's not in the script. (flips through it) No, definitely not. Oh well. (throws script away)  
  
Seto: No thank you, Lapdog.  
  
Joey: Who you callin' a lapdog, Rich Boy?! I can have you beheaded right now!  
  
Seto: I'd like to see you try!  
  
Joey: My bodyguards are powerful!  
  
Seto: Yeah, a short little girl who carries around a teddy bear. That's powerful. And who's in charge of this miserable gang of fools with meager dueling skills?  
  
Yami Bakura: Hey! That's my miserable gang of fools you're talking about, so you shut up!  
  
Seto: Well then, I rest my case. As soon as you croak, Lapdog, their leader is going to suck you dry.  
  
Yami Bakura: Not if I do you in first, Priest! Now let me continue my narrative. Anyway, little did the jackass Pharaoh know that his mistress--- (Mai comes out as Joey exits.)---was actually two-timing with his high priest.  
  
(Joey drools backstage.)  
  
JK: Joey, you're drowning us damn it!  
  
Joey: But she's so---  
  
Evil Authoress: (bashes Joey on the head with the Book of the Dead) Shut up and watch before I castrate you!  
  
Joey: Eep! (shuts up)  
  
JK (raising an eyebrow): Where'd that come from?  
  
Evil Authoress: No where. I just want to see Seto and Mai suffer!  
  
Yami Bakura: Pipe down back there! (looks at script) Yeah, and for their--- ew...do I really have to say that?  
  
JK: Every word.  
  
Yami Bakura (wincing): Anyway, it was a big sin or something for priests to have lovers and for people to betray the Pharaoh, but for their love, they were willing to sacrifice life itself. (turns away and pukes)  
  
Yugi (thoughtfully): I didn't know yamis could puke...  
  
JK: Seto, Mai, now!  
  
Seto: I am not kissing her!  
  
Mai: I am not kissing him!  
  
Tea: I'll kiss Kaiba!  
  
Seto and Isis: HELL NO!  
  
Yami (gasping): Isis and Seto are going out!  
  
Malik: What? (takes out tape recorder) I knew today wouldn't be that boring!  
  
JK: Malik, shut up. Isis, shut up. Yami, shut up. Seto and Mai, MAKE OUT BEFORE I SHED SOME BLOOD!  
  
(Seto and Mai kiss while Joey and Isis look as if they could kill someone.)  
  
Seto (thinking): Mouthwash...I need mouthwash!  
  
Mai (thinking): Hey, this actually isn't that bad! (hears Joey approaching and speaks) The Pharaoh is coming!  
  
Seto (looking relieved): Then I better hide before I'm found. (walks offstage, muttering) Thank you, Ra. I will never stop worshipping you!  
  
(Joey strolls in.)  
  
Joey: Hi my whore---I mean, mistress. Nice lack of clothing.  
  
JK: These people need to learn how to memorize lines!  
  
Joey: Wait a minute! Why is your make-up smudged?  
  
Mai: I...erm...it's supposed to be that way?  
  
Joey: Oh, okay!  
  
(Seto sighs wearily and walks onstage.)  
  
Seto: Now, the moment we have all been waiting for! (pokes Joey with plastic sword)  
  
Joey: Hey, Kaiba! Dat was uncalled for!  
  
Mai (hissing): Joey, you're supposed to be hurt! (pokes him with plastic dagger)  
  
Joey: HAH! YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL DA GREAT PHARAOH JOEY?!  
  
Seto: Why, yes, actually, I do! (stabs him with real sword)  
  
Joey: Ow... (passes out)  
  
JK: SETO!  
  
Seto (innocently): What?  
  
JK: You weren't supposed to kill him for real, you dolt!  
  
Seto: But he wasn't pretending to die!  
  
Yami Bakura: I GET THE BLOOD!  
  
JK: When the scene is over.  
  
Yami Bakura: YES! I LOVE THE WORLD OF THE LIVING NOW!  
  
Mai: Ahem...you're interrupting the scene!  
  
Seto (muttering): If someone were to ask me, I'd say she's enjoying this WAY too much.  
  
Mai: Go, Set---er, Imhotep, before they find you here!  
  
Seto (thinking): That's not her line...oh well. (speaking) No!  
  
Mai: You're the only one who can resurrect me.  
  
(Yugi, Mokuba, Rex, Croquet, and Bakura run into the room.)  
  
Yugi (tugging on Seto's robes): Master Seto, we weren't able to hold the guards off.  
  
Mokuba: Yeah, and now they're coming because...Isis used her magic seeing into the future powers and they KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!  
  
(Seto blinks.)  
  
Mokuba: I mean, they know you've murdered the Pharaoh!  
  
Seto (looking at Joey's corpse): Little Brother---  
  
(JK coughs pointedly.)  
  
Seto: I mean, Priest, that is no Pharaoh. That is the Pharaoh's lapdog.  
  
Bakura: Might I suggest that we get going? I would like to keep my head on, for the time being.  
  
(No one listens.)  
  
Bakura: OKAY KAIBA, THAT'S IT! (takes out Millennium Ring) CHAIN ENERGY!  
  
(Seto is bound and gagged by the energy ropes.)  
  
Bakura: Shall we proceed, mates?  
  
(The "priests" gape at him.)  
  
Bakura (quizzically): Yes?  
  
Mokuba: But...that's not something you would do...  
  
Yami Bakura (wiping away non-existent tear): He is learning from me! I always knew my hikari wasn't hopeless!  
  
Malik (backstage): Yeah, and is that why you like to cut him and turn him into a beverage occasionally?  
  
Yami Bakura: Um...yeah.  
  
(Bakura hoists up Seto.)  
  
Bakura: A little help would be appreciated...  
  
(Yugi, Mokuba, Rex, and Croquet all help drag Seto offstage.)  
  
Seto (screaming): Wait until I get my hands on that weird albino moron! HE WILL SUFFER LIKE NONE HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE!  
  
Bakura: Yes, we all know that, Kaiba. (waves at Mai) Good day to you.  
  
Seto: Oh, and Mai? I'll ressurect you...  
  
Mai: Oh, Seto, I knew you would rescue me!  
  
(Everyone backstage pukes.)  
  
Seto: ...when I feel like it! (laughs evilly as he disappears backstage)  
  
(Mako, Para, Duke, Rebecca, and Serenity all run onstage.)  
  
Rebecca: Who hath murdereth the Pharaoh?  
  
(Backstage, JK smacks her forehead.)  
  
Para: It was Mai, the Pharaoh's whore! (looks around expectantly) Why isn't my brother finishing my line?  
  
Duke: Er...I'm surprised she didn't do it before?  
  
Para: ...that works too!  
  
Serenity: No! My brother was murdered! (cries)  
  
Duke: Aw, Serenity, would you like me to comfort you? (pats her on the back)  
  
Tristan (backstage): LET ME AT HIM! I'LL RIP HIS LUNGS OUT! I'LL RIP THAT DIE EARRING RIGHT OUT OF HIS EAR!  
  
JK (backstage): Shut up before I sever your cone like I threatened to before, Tristan!  
  
(He shuts up.)  
  
Mako: Wait one moment...does this mean...? Yes, it does! We are no longer under Pharaoh Joey's control! We are free to frolic in the ocean's waves without any interruptions such as--- (puts on a high-pitched voice)--- "Guards, this whore is bothering me! Take her away!" or "My back itches!" or "How come there's water in the wine? I want new wine!" and let's not forget the oh so common "AH! A SCARAB! KILL IT! KILL IT!"  
  
(Mako, Serenity, Duke, and Rebecca start laughing.)  
  
Para: I don't get it.  
  
Mai: I do. THAT WASN'T FUNNY, SEA-BOY! I WAS THE WHORE OF WHOM YOU SPEAK!  
  
(Mako stops laughing.)  
  
Duke: So...do we kill her and make the palace smell nicer?  
  
Yami Bakura: No, see, for that, you'd have to kill that servant, Tea.  
  
Mai: Forget this! I'll beat you to it, you brainless pigs! Er...now what was I supposed to say again? Ah, yes. My body is no longer his temple!  
  
Evil Authoress (backstage): (stares wide-eyed) I GET IT!  
  
Jenrya (backstage): Hentai... (shakes head)  
  
(Mai pokes herself with the plastic dagger and pretends to die.)  
  
(Curtains close as scene one ends and the Pharaoh's bodyguards cheer. Everyone who was backstage comes out to join the audience.)  
  
JK (screaming at the cast): What the hell was that?! People, people! The only person who said at least one line correctly was Mai! MAI! YOU SHOULD ALL FEEL ASHAMED! ASHAMED I TELL YOU! Medjai people, none of you even had any lines! All you had to do was stare at Mai, then she was supposed to kill herself. (glares at Seto) AND YOU KILLED JOEY!  
  
Seto: And then I was bound together with ropes made of magic. BIG DEAL! We made the play more authentic.  
  
JK: Authentic! I'll show you authentic! (starts choking Seto)  
  
(Jenrya pulls JK off Seto.)  
  
Jenrya: You really want the fangirls on your back?  
  
JK: Good point... (shudders)  
  
Seto: INSANE AUTHORESS!  
  
JK (ignoring Seto): Bakura did some nice improvising when he gagged Seto, so I thank you! (glomps Bakura)  
  
Evil Authoress: Now you're going to have Penny on your back...  
  
(JK lets go quickly.)  
  
JK: Good point. But that was more of a...thank you glomp, not a bishie glomp.  
  
Penny: RYOU YOU WERE WONDERFUL! (glomps Bakura)  
  
JK (looking around): Hey, where'd Yami Bakura go?  
  
Penny (still glomping Ryou): Oh, him? He went onstage.  
  
JK (suspiciously): What for?  
  
(Yami Bakura comes offstage, dragging Joey's corpse with him.)  
  
Yami Bakura: I have a new source of sustenance!  
  
JK: Put him down!  
  
Yami Bakura: Why? I haven't had blood this fresh in...well...ten minutes!  
  
JK: NOW!  
  
Yami Bakura: Yes ma'am. (lets go of Joey)  
  
JK: Jenrya, can I have the Book of the Dead?  
  
Jenrya: Why should I keep serving you?!  
  
JK: Er...for the sake of Joey's life?  
  
Jenrya: That's not much of a reason, you know.  
  
JK: Please? You're the only person with any idea as to where the props are!  
  
Jenrya: Fine. (leaves and returns with the Book of the Dead)  
  
JK: Now let's see... (flips to some random page and begins chanting in ancient Egyptian)  
  
(Joey comes back to life and his blood disappears.)  
  
Evil Authoress: Er...how'd that happen? I didn't know you could read ancient Egyptian!  
  
JK: I can't. But when you've seen The Mummy Returns as many times as I have, then you sort of memorize what Alex said when he brought Evy back to life..  
  
Evil Authoress: Oh.  
  
Angel K.D: Kaiba, when you killed Joey---that was hilarious!  
  
Seto: Wasn't it? It's a shame that people don't stay dead in fanfics.  
  
(Cygna-hime takes out dagger.)  
  
Cygna-hime: Care to test that ideal, Seto?  
  
Seto: On second thought, go fanfics!  
  
JK: Glad you see it my way, Seto.  
  
(Cygna-hime puts away dagger. JK looks around to see half the audience is hyper from the sugar on the refreshment table)  
  
Evil Authoress: YAY! More hyper people! You're all ma bruddas!  
  
Joey: Duh...why does someone talk like me? Dose are ma lines!  
  
Todokanunegai: YAY! SUGAR IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL! (jumps up and down)  
  
Evil Authoress: Shut up, Joey. JK, I have to say. You really did well with the audience.  
  
JK: Hmm? How so?  
  
Evil Authoress: There are no Malik fans!  
  
Yami angel: That's not exactly true. I'm a Malik fan.  
  
Evil Authoress: You are?  
  
(Yami angel nods.)  
  
Evil Authoress: MINE! MINE I TELL YOU!  
  
Saurons Twin Sister: Oh, shut up people. (throws popcorn at Evil Authoress)  
  
Evil Authoress: Yes...but that doesn't change the fact the Malik is mine!  
  
Saurons Twin Sister: Yes...but that doesn't change the fact that you need a serious shower once you get home. (throws more popcorn at Evil Authoress)  
  
Evil Authoress: HEY!  
  
Saurons Twin Sister: (shrugs) Hey, Malik can I join you in your plans for world domination?  
  
Evil Authoress: What part of "mine" didn't you understand?!  
  
Saurons Twin Sister: And after the world is mine, I'll kill him! (laughs evilly)  
  
Evil Authoress: Oh...fine then. Can I help?  
  
Saurons Twin Sister: MY WORLD! GET YOUR OWN!  
  
Vanilla (to JK): When Mai killed herself...that was absolutely terrible! (cries) All the blood and the pain...  
  
Evil Authoress (muttering): And the joy...  
  
Vanilla: It was so sad... (continues to cry)  
  
(JK hands her a tissue.)  
  
Vanilla: Thank you.  
  
JK: Okay. Well, that's it for the first part! See you next chapter! And I'm sorry it took so long to write this, but I blame the writer's block. (bashes it on the head) ^^ Please review and ja ne! 


End file.
